From the last week of December to January 14th -- I felt like I was standing with one foot in the grave.
I went January 2nd to the funeral home to make my final arrangements. I found out after I was sitting with the funeral director for a while that they would have come to me. I hadn’t even considered that. I just went on a day that I knew I’d be able to be upright for an hour or so and walked in and told them I was dying.
I think I can pinpoint the exact moment in that next hour where the seed was planted to decide to stop believing that my life was about to be over-- and let joy flood back into my heart. I’m pretty sure it was at the moment when the lovely, caring and compassionate woman who was sitting across the table from me started discussing “the body” – I’ll tell you what – when you’re “the body” that’s being discussed and you hear things like “the body” will be washed to prepare it for cremation – something goes “click” in your head and you start scrambling to dig yourself out of the hole you’re standing in.
That might sound weird, but I’m inordinately fond of my body, and I’ve always been selective of who sees it naked, let alone gets to wash it down. I think at that exact moment, when I pictured myself laying on a slab, either being delicately and respectfully bathed OR being hosed down with a giant fire hose like an elephant – both of these things flashed through my mind while she was talking – [and I’m sure you can add other scenarios to these depending on how macabre your sense of humor is] I decided nope, not going to do it.
I stopped being ready to be dead.
But here’s the funny thing. It took me another twelve days to do anything about it. I went home and went through all my papers, organized photos for the funeral home visitation, emailed details to the funeral director that I hadn’t had with me while we were drawing up the arrangements and then spent the next days just waiting for my heart to stop beating.
Then I woke up one morning and decided to reach out. I've always believed that the universe is a remarkable thing filled with wonders that are beyond our human understanding. Learning to be open to the gifts it has to give has been one of my greatest lessons. I teach that lesson regularly, but I had never reached out into that vastness and beseeched something for myself before now.
The response has been overwhelming. I’ve been basking in healing intent being beamed at me from the most remarkable corners; spending my days standing in love that feels like warm sunshine.
This is Valentine’s Day, a day traditionally set aside to discuss matters of the heart. Well, I’m happy to report that thanks to all the love and joy that has been pouring into it -- my heart is measurably better.
I'm told that it's medically unexplainable -- shouldn't be happening -- but to keep up the good work. I still have a long row to hoe, but I know now that I'm going to heal. I also know that my life will be forever changed by recent experiences. I'm beginning anew, and I feel like this next chapter in my life is going to be a hum dinger.
Thank you all for helping to manifest my miracle.
"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."